A few weeks ago, I found myself watching another table at a restaurant more than enjoying the people I had come to dine with. Once you've worked in the hospitality industry long enough, it's nearly impossible to dine out without noticing everything. My family has learned that eating out with me means I'll inevitably comment on the host stand, notice when a server is triple sat or quietly admire a bartender who never lets a water glass sit empty. It's an occupational hazard, and one they lovingly tolerate. Every once in a while, though, my attention shifts from the restaurant itself to the guests. I catch myself wondering, “Does my family do the same thing when we dine out?” 

On this particular evening, one table caught my eye — not because they were loud, disruptive or had obnoxious children. In fact, they were almost completely silent. Four people sat together, each periodically looking down at a phone resting beside their plate. They weren't being rude intentionally. They were simply living the way many of us now do. 

It made me wonder: Have the rules of dining etiquette changed, or have we simply stopped talking — and teaching — about them? 

As someone who teaches hospitality and genuinely loves dining out, I've come to realize that great dining experiences aren't created solely by restaurant spaces, chefs and servers. Guests have an important role to play, too. Hospitality is a relationship. While restaurants strive to make us feel welcome, we have an opportunity to make the experience better for the people sitting beside us and for the people serving us. 

The first question is perhaps the most obvious: Are phones and tablets part of the table setting? 

Let's be honest — phones have earned a place in our dining experiences. We scan QR code menus, check in with the babysitter, pull up a picture from last weekend or settle a friendly debate with a quick internet search. Technology isn't the problem. The challenge is knowing when our phone quietly becomes another guest at the table. Every time we glance at a screen, we subtly communicate that something else may deserve our attention. Most of the time, that's not our intention at all, yet one of the simplest acts of hospitality is making the people across from us feel like they're the most interesting part of the evening. 

The same conversation extends to the smallest diners at the table. Every parent — guilty as charged right here — has found themselves in a restaurant at the end of a long day, weighing the peace that a tablet can bring against the opportunity for conversation with another adult. There are certainly moments when a screen feels like a lifesaver. At the same time, restaurants remain one of the few places where multiple generations can slow down, share a meal and practice the simple art of talking with one another. Understanding hospitality begins just as early as children learn which fork to use. It begins when they learn that the people across the table are worth paying attention to. Some of my favorite childhood memories weren't of what we ate, but of the stories shared around long lunches on my grandparents' screened-in porch. Looking back, those conversations may have shaped my career just as much as the meals themselves. Finding the right balance isn't always easy. I don't always get it right with toddlers, either. 

Being present at the table is one way we show hospitality. Generosity is another. That brings me to one of my favorite modern etiquette debates: Who picks up the check? 

Some of you are already thinking, “Whoever did the inviting.” Others are saying, “We always split it.” Splitting the bill has never been easier, and apps like Venmo have made sharing expenses almost effortless. For many younger diners, it's simply assumed that the bill will be divided before anyone even reaches for a wallet. 

Truthfully, I don't think there's a right answer anymore, but what I do think has quietly disappeared is the gesture. There's something meaningful about hearing someone say, "I've got this one," or "Dinner's on me tonight." Even if the other person insists on splitting the bill — or wins the friendly debate over who pays — the offer itself communicates something much bigger than the cost of dinner. It says, I appreciate your company. It has everything to do with expressing gratitude. 

Hospitality isn't measured by the quality of the food alone. It's measured by whether someone leaves feeling appreciated and cared for. That extends beyond the people sitting at your table to the team making your evening possible. Professional servers notice more than most diners realize. Servers remember the guest who smiles, the family that says, “thank you,” the table that exercises patience during a busy rush and, yes, the one that spends more time looking at phones than talking to one another. They also remember kindness. Good guests understand that dining out is a partnership. It means treating every member of the restaurant team with respect, extending a little grace when the kitchen gets backed up and remembering that the people serving dinner are often giving up evenings, weekends and holidays so the rest of us can celebrate ours. 

The truth is, modern-day etiquette may not be about knowing which fork to use or which glass belongs to which beverage, but 100% may be all about awareness.

It's noticing when someone at your table hasn't had a chance to speak. It's putting your phone away long enough to be fully present. It's thanking the people who prepared your meal and served it with care. It's recognizing that hospitality isn't something restaurants provide. It is something we all participate in which brings me to one final thought. One of my favorite classic cocktails is appropriately named The Last Word. While I'm certainly not attempting to provide the last word on modern etiquette, this Prohibition-era classic combines four ingredients in perfectly equal proportions. No single ingredient demands all of the attention. Instead, each contributes something essential to the final result. Perhaps that's the perfect metaphor for hospitality. 

The best dining experiences aren't memorable because one person dominated the conversation, picked up the check or had the loudest opinion. They're memorable because everyone contributed to the experience in just the right measure. Like The Last Word itself, good etiquette is all about balance. 

The Last Word 

Ingredients

• 3/4 ounce gin
• 3/4 ounce Green Chartreuse
• 3/4 ounce Luxardo maraschino liqueur
• 3/4 ounce fresh lime juice 

Instructions

Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake vigorously for 15 seconds, and strain into a chilled coupe glass. Garnish with a Luxardo cherry or a lime twist.

About

Lincoln Land Community College offers credit programs in Culinary Arts, Hospitality Management and Baking/Pastry, and non-credit cooking and food classes through LLCC Community Education.

Cooking or food questions? Email epicuriosity101@llcc.edu.