Think about your favorite restaurant, neighborhood bar or coffee shop. It may not necessarily be the fanciest establishment or even the one serving the best fare, but I'm talking about the place you return to almost instinctively — the place where you find comfort long before you ever arrive. If you've found such a place, the staff might know which table you like, what you'll order and, perhaps, even ask about your camping trip last weekend. What makes that place your go-to destination, and why do some hospitality establishments have regulars?
Recently, I was reading about David Rock's SCARF model, a framework developed to explain how our brains respond to social experiences. The acronym represents five dimensions of social interaction: status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness and fairness.
While I was reading it through the lens of its professional application to an ever-changing workplace, somewhere along the way, my service industry brain took over. I quickly realized those same five dimensions offer a fascinating explanation for something restaurants have understood intuitively for generations. SCARF is sort of the recipe for “the regular.”
Consider Rock's “S” for status. We tend to associate the word with wealth, titles or special privileges, but status can be something as simple as walking into a restaurant and hearing someone call you by name. They know your name not because you're a famous dignitary but because someone took the time to see you.
Then there's “C” for certainty. In a life that offers plenty of unpredictability, it is comforting to know exactly what we're in for before we've even parked the car. You know the menu inside and out. You know the atmosphere and the other regulars. You may have even seen the daily special on social media because you engage there as well. Knowing what to expect makes us comfortable.
In Rock's model, “A” stands for autonomy. Autonomy is the freedom to make the experience your own. As a regular, we feel comfortable asking for a recommendation, trying something new or simply ordering the same favorite we've enjoyed a hundred times. We know the restaurant well enough to navigate the experience on our own terms without feeling the need to explain or justify our choices.
Finally, “R” for relatedness may be the most powerful element of the acronym. This is the point at which being a regular becomes more meaningful than simply being a repeat customer. When a business doesn't just hope you'll spend money there but delights in the relationship they have with you as the customer, you have reached the natural upgrade from customer to regular.
The best regulars understand that hospitality is reciprocal. They exercise patience when their favorite restaurant is unexpectedly busy. They learn employees' names. They tip thoughtfully and recommend the restaurant to friends. The best regulars don't behave as though familiarity entitles them to more. They behave as though familiarity gives them another reason to care. You're not just purchasing dinner anymore. You're participating in a relationship.
And finally, there's fairness. Being a regular doesn't necessarily mean you've earned the right to expect a complimentary appetizer or the best table in the house. In fact, some of the most meaningful relationships are built on knowing everyone who walks through the door will be treated with the same respect. We trust our favorite establishments to be consistent, transparent and fair, whether it's our first visit or our 50th. Recognition makes us feel special, but fairness makes us feel comfortable returning.
Now consider one more thing: the amount of energy invested in customer loyalty programs.
Our phones are full of apps tracking points, stars, purchases and visits. We receive birthday rewards, personalized promotions and reminders that we're just one purchase away from something free. While I enjoy a good reward as much as anyone, that alone does not make someone a regular. A loyalty program might recognize that I've purchased the same coffee every Tuesday for six months. A hospitality professional, however, recognizes me when I walk through the door.
Of course, the two aren't mutually exclusive. Technology can help remember preferences, anticipate needs and create more personalized experiences. Used thoughtfully, those tools can actually strengthen relationships. There is an important distinction — loyalty can be measured in transactions. Regulars are built through relationships, a lesson that extends well beyond restaurants. Think about the places you return to, the people you seek out and the communities where you feel most comfortable. Chances are those relationships satisfy many of the same social needs Rock describes. Maybe that's why becoming a regular feels so good.
The food may get us through the door the first time. A great cocktail might bring us back for a second visit. But somewhere along the way, someone remembers us, our preferences or a small detail about our lives and, suddenly, without ever signing up for anything, we've become part of something much more meaningful. Every regular was once a first-time guest, and all it takes is a small step forward to begin a lasting relationship when someone is willing to start the conversation.
After all, maybe "Cheers" had it right all along: the most valuable thing a restaurant can remember isn't your order. It's your name.
The self-starter
First published in Harry Craddock's “The Savoy Cocktail Book” in 1930, the Self-Starter is a lesser-known classic that combines gin, aromatized wine, apricot and a hint of anise. Bright, botanical and slightly fruity, it's an approachable introduction to vintage cocktail culture.
Ingredients:
- 1 1/2 ounces Plymouth or London Dry gin
- 1 ounce Cocchi Americano or Lillet Blanc
- 1/2 ounce Rothman & Winter Orchard Apricot Liqueur
- 1 dash absinthe or Herbsaint
- Lemon peel for garnish
Instructions:
Combine gin, Cocchi Americano, apricot liqueur and absinthe in a mixing glass with ice. Stir until well chilled. Strain into a chilled coupe or cocktail glass. Express the lemon peel over the surface, and garnish.